Leaked Employee Handbook of Reutical Pharmaceuticals (Parody)

Welcome to Reutical Pharmaceuticals: Where Profits Bloom and Ethics Wilt

So, you’ve survived the blood screening, the polygraph, and the oddly specific NDAs. Congrats! You’re officially part of the Reutical family. Or, as our CEO prefers to call it, “the portfolio.”

We at Reutical are not just a pharmaceutical company. We’re an enterprise committed to pushing boundaries, maximizing margins, and crushing hope—creatively. This isn’t your grandma’s Big Pharma. No, no. We’ve upgraded. We’re the kind of villain you secretly admire.

And now, thanks to a definitely-not-stolen leak, we’re bringing you the juiciest chunks of the official Reutical Pharmaceuticals Employee Handbook.

Just remember: if anyone asks, you didn’t get it from us.

Chapter 1: Reutical’s Core Values – Obfuscate, Monetize, Deny

Let’s get something straight from the start. At Reutical, values aren’t moral compass stuff. They’re strategy. Branding. A way to sound good in quarterly reports.

Here’s what we stand for:

• Innovation Over Integrity – Why follow rules when you can invent new ones?
• Profit Before Patients – We don’t save lives. We extend them… just enough to subscribe to the premium tier.
• Secrecy as Standard – NDAs are our love language. Transparency is a liability.

It’s not personal. It’s business. Cold, clinical, and chemically enhanced.

Chapter 2: Handling Whistleblowers 101 – Stay Calm and Gaslight On

Every company gets them. The do-gooders. The truth-tellers. The emotionally reckless employees who “just want to do the right thing.”

Here’s your survival guide:

1. Identify: They usually start asking about that “experimental mycology lab” or why the interns need Geiger counters.
2. Isolate: Move them to Special Projects. Say it’s a promotion. Bonus if the office is windowless.
3. Invalidate: Quietly question their mental health. Publicly praise their bravery. Always confuse the message.
4. Infiltrate: Assign a very enthusiastic intern to “assist” them. Make sure they’re actually from PR.
5. Terminate: Offer a severance package thick enough to smother curiosity—and a confidentiality clause to finish the job.

If that fails, just leak their internet search history. Works every time.

Chapter 3: Deniability and You – Memoirs of a CEO

Our CEO Rick Kruger once said, “I can neither confirm nor deny my existence.” That’s the spirit!

Running a company like Reutical requires creativity and plausible deniability in equal parts. Want to survive a Senate hearing with your reputation intact? Memorize these gems:

• “I wasn’t aware of that.”
• “That decision was made by a subcommittee.”
• “We’re currently investigating internally.”

Say it with confidence. Bonus points if you can manage a sincere frown. Remember, a CEO’s job isn’t to know things—it’s to forget them strategically.

Chapter 4: The Blue Angel Protocol – When Mushrooms Attack

Let’s talk about our biggest PR nightmare: the Blue Angel mushroom.

These mysterious little fungi have the gall to grow where they please, glow in the dark, and (allegedly) heal everything from migraines to memory loss. We cannot have that. If people start curing themselves with mushrooms, how will we sell them monthly injections?

If you encounter one, follow protocol:

• Destroy all evidence: Samples, notes, TikToks. Everything.
• Discredit the discoverer: Accuse them of mixing shrooms and sherry.
• Deploy Agents: Preferably our DEA buddies. They love field trips.

Never underestimate a mushroom with ambition. They’re small, but they ruin everything.

Chapter 5: Ex-Lab Partners – When Scientists Go Sentimental

You know the type. Brilliant, moral, deeply annoying. They used to be your coworker. Now they’re asking questions on podcasts.

Dealing with rogue ex-lab partners takes finesse:

• Offer a consultant role with an undefined salary. Include a five-year non-compete.
• Redirect their email to an intern named “Janice” who doesn’t actually exist.
• If all else fails, accuse them of academic fraud. Or better—plant evidence.

Remember, no one likes a brainiac with a conscience. Except Reddit.

Chapter 6: Bonus Incentives for Mushroom Eradication

Look, destroying something natural is a Reutical tradition. And who says ethics can’t be fun?

Introducing our Mushroom Mitigation Program. Here’s what you can win:

• $10,000 for each verified Blue Angel mushroom destroyed.
• A trip to our Peruvian “retreat center” (it’s mostly concrete).
• A golden pin shaped like a mushroom crossed out with a dollar sign.

Teamwork makes the dream (of total market control) work.

Chapter 7: Government Relations – Regulation Is Just a Suggestion

We love our regulators. Truly. They make the best fall guys.

Thanks to decades of lobbying, our partnerships with government agencies are robust, strategic, and just vague enough to avoid lawsuits.

Here’s how it works:

• DEA Collaboration – We send them donuts. They send raids.
• Congressional Friends – One bill here, one campaign donation there.
• Regulatory Influence – Let’s just say we prefer pre-approved safety data.

We’re not corrupt. We’re efficient.

Chapter 8: Crisis Management – Fires, Fungi, and Fugitives

Eventually, something’s going to hit the fan. Sometimes it’s literal spores.

When disaster strikes, don’t panic—spin it. Here’s your toolkit:

• Lab Fire? Blame faulty wiring. Light a candle vigil.
• Fungal Uprising? Label it an “unverified homeopathic myth.”
• Runaway Scientist? Express deep concern and commit to a rigorous internal review. Then do absolutely nothing.

Remember: the narrative belongs to whoever gets the first press release out.

Chapter 9: Employee Wellness – Placebos and Pretending

Happy employees leak less. So we pretend to care.

Our wellness initiatives include:

• Mandatory group meditation led by a VP of Finance.
• Complimentary placebos (now in grape).
• Inflatable stress pigs. Squeal into them whenever HR drops by.

We don’t promise happiness. We just prescribe it.

Chapter 10: Keep It Moving – The Future of Malpractice

If you’ve made it this far into the handbook, congratulations. You’re one of us now.

Reutical Pharmaceuticals isn’t just a job—it’s a moral blindfold with dental. We’re the black sheep of Big Pharma, and we wear that lab coat with pride. So, keep your eyes forward, your mouth shut, and your shredder plugged in.

And remember: at Reutical, there’s no such thing as side effects. Just bonus features.